Recently I’ve met a couple of married men
from on line dating sites that have reminded me that on our sexual journeys we
can be at very different places to our ‘out and proud’ and highly experienced gay sex partners. Sexual
compatibility is therefore something that needs to be discussed before getting together at his place.
As a predatory gay man just looking for sex
he probably expects his partners to all satisfy his desires in a manner that he
is happy with. He moves around within the gay sex venues totally comfortable in
what goes on at them whether this be group sex, water sports, nude nights,
underwear parties, leather nights, bear parties, bi swingers parties or
wherever his sexual tastes take him. He is generally experienced in having seen
a wide variety of sexual activity even if he hasn’t always partaken in them.
As part of this variety he will look to the
internet for new partners – and in many cases he will attract a married man who
does not have such wide sexual experience (fantasies don’t count). If he’s an
understanding lover he will discuss mutually satisfying sexual possibilities
with the married hookup.
What has interested me with my new married sex partners is that there is a point where the married man’s sexual experience /
fantasy suddenly says “Woops! I
can’t do that. That’s just all too much for my comfort zone”.
In one example related to me, a married man
who was comfortable with being a bottom in all his previous sexual encounters
with his particular gay partner was suddenly faced with the gay partner trying
to slip the bottom man’s erection into him. In that instance the gay man had
decided without discussion, to change the game rules. Our married man found an
excuse not to fuck his partner on that occasion, but before the next encounter
there will need to be a discussion, as obviously the gay man is not getting
enough reward from always being a top.
And that reward is part of the gay man’s
thinking. He’s often the active one in pursuing new potential partners in the
chat rooms and elsewhere on line. He will do whatever the married guy wants in
order to get him into his bed. He’ll perhaps be satisfied with just one form of
sex (in this example, being a top) once, perhaps twice – but then his wider
interests kick in and he wants more. He thinks he knows that he can change the
boundaries and introduce a new agenda just because it’s his house and his bed.
In reality he wants sexual control over his married man and delights in telling
him about “teaching him new tricks”. “It won’t hurt a bit”. “You’ll be safe.” “You can trust me?” -
and other well-worn phrases that will try to elicit approval from the
vulnerable naked man.
It’s important that if you find yourself in
this situation that you say “no” if any proposed new sexual activity offends
or pushes your emotional boundaries too far. You need to be in a less
vulnerable place and have time to clearly come to grips with what you are being
asked. No one will judge you or condemn you for not being as comfortable /
broad-minded as others think that you ought to be. It’s your life and only you
can make those sexual and emotional decisions.
But perhaps before that awkward moment
arises or there is a need for an in-bed discussion to take place, the married
man needs to look inside himself and discover just what is it that is stopping
him taking advantage of having a wider sexual experience.
In my opinion anal sex, either not at all - or as a decisive singular top or bottom, carries with it emotional baggage.
Let’s consider some thoughts:
-
It is too big a step up from
masturbation or oral
-
In his mind this could now mean that
he could be called gay or queer, a label he can’t come to grips with
-
He’s justified to himself that as
along as there is no anal sex with him as a top, then he hasn’t committed
adultery. Being a ‘bottom only’ is just being taken advantage of without
commitment – after all it’s not him who is actively pursuing predatory sex,
he’s just the non-objecting receptive bottom
-
He knows that there’s more chance of
catching an infection if he tops, especially without using a condom - and an
STI would be too difficult to explain back home. (Many gay men assume that married guys have little sexual activity and therefore they are 'safer' to bareback with then would be the situation with his other partners who are more active on the gay scene)
-
He tried it once with a guy and it
didn’t gave him the satisfaction that he expected
-
Masturbation is an art form that he
has perfected over a lifetime. It’s easy, satisfying, available anywhere,
anytime. He’s satisfied with a hand ejaculating him whether that be his own or
that of a friend. It doesn’t cause any emotional distress about upsetting the
status quo of the marital home. Much the same with oral sex, either giving or
receiving – “it’s just what men do for a bit of fun and light relief”
-
He could have trouble looking his wife
in the eye next time they are having sex - and he doesn’t want that guilt
-
His fantasy sex world is far ahead of
his actual experience. Fantasy lets him be anywhere, with anyone and do
whatever either party desires. When reality knocks and he’s offered the real
experience then this shatters the safety bubble his mind has created. Cold,
stark reality is a far more difficult aspect of sexual life than that offered
by the warmth and safety of dreams
-
He’s heard all the stories about pain,
of a big cock tearing open a tight anus, of torn foreskins as a man tries to
enter too forcefully, of catching aids or other diseases, of losing control
over your actions, of getting creamed with cum, etc etc. Is it all too much of
a risk just for a few minutes of pleasure, he asks himself
-
I just want low-key sexual play where
for once in my adult life I’m pursued as a bottom, I’m used as a bottom and I
don’t have to be active in any way. I love that relaxed satisfaction. Being a
top is too exhausting and too much like the sex I am limited to at home
-
Does this man asking for more sex really
have my interests at heart? Can I trust him to be considerate in our
love-making, take time to guide me, know when to stop when I’ve reached my
limits
-
Quite simply, I don’t need anal sex in
order to ejaculate and have a good time.
 |
| All photos courtesy Tumblr |
As you venture more and more out in to the
world of men-on-men sex, you need to scrutinise what your sexual reality is all
about. What do you think would satisfy you sexually and is this the same level
of sexual activity that would make you physically and emotionally comfortable
with other men. When a hot looking experienced gay guy begins to chase you will
he be satisfied with the limits you have put on yourself?
Perhaps some honest discussion and some
introspective thought before meeting up will make it a better experience for
you both. At least there shouldn’t be unexpected surprises!
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A STRAIGHT MAN’S GUIDE TO SAME SEX HOOK-UPS: How And Where To Find Your Man
When it is time to have sex with men, you need answers!
Don't f**k up the potentially hottest sex time in your life by not knowing the facts. I'm the ex-married gay man who writes this blog, so I'm sharing my experiences with you in this easy-to-read ebook so that your sex with guys can be brilliant and always available.
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e-book and paperback at Amazon.com or
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For a plain blank unidentifiable eBook cover edition go to: http://www.amazon.com/Versatile-Husband-Plain-Cover-ebook/dp/B009V5AXEI
"A straightforward, practical guide for men in heterosexual relationships who'd like to explore sex with other men. Frank, honest and understanding."Kirkus Reviews
