Saturday, 25 April 2015

Anal Sex: Negotiating Sexual Boundaries


Recently I’ve met a couple of married men from on line dating sites that have reminded me that on our sexual journeys we can be at very different places to our ‘out and proud’ and highly experienced gay sex partners. Sexual compatibility is therefore something that needs to be discussed before getting together at his place.

As a predatory gay man just looking for sex he probably expects his partners to all satisfy his desires in a manner that he is happy with. He moves around within the gay sex venues totally comfortable in what goes on at them whether this be group sex, water sports, nude nights, underwear parties, leather nights, bear parties, bi swingers parties or wherever his sexual tastes take him. He is generally experienced in having seen a wide variety of sexual activity even if he hasn’t always partaken in them.

As part of this variety he will look to the internet for new partners – and in many cases he will attract a married man who does not have such wide sexual experience (fantasies don’t count). If he’s an understanding lover he will discuss mutually satisfying sexual possibilities with the married hookup.

What has interested me with my new married sex partners is that there is a point where the married man’s sexual experience / fantasy suddenly says “Woops!  I can’t do that. That’s just all too much for my comfort zone”.

In one example related to me, a married man who was comfortable with being a bottom in all his previous sexual encounters with his particular gay partner was suddenly faced with the gay partner trying to slip the bottom man’s erection into him. In that instance the gay man had decided without discussion, to change the game rules. Our married man found an excuse not to fuck his partner on that occasion, but before the next encounter there will need to be a discussion, as obviously the gay man is not getting enough reward from always being a top.

And that reward is part of the gay man’s thinking. He’s often the active one in pursuing new potential partners in the chat rooms and elsewhere on line. He will do whatever the married guy wants in order to get him into his bed. He’ll perhaps be satisfied with just one form of sex (in this example, being a top) once, perhaps twice – but then his wider interests kick in and he wants more. He thinks he knows that he can change the boundaries and introduce a new agenda just because it’s his house and his bed. In reality he wants sexual control over his married man and delights in telling him about “teaching him new tricks”. “It won’t hurt a bit”.  “You’ll be safe.” “You can trust me?” - and other well-worn phrases that will try to elicit approval from the vulnerable naked man.

It’s important that if you find yourself in this situation that you say “no” if any proposed new sexual activity offends or pushes your emotional boundaries too far. You need to be in a less vulnerable place and have time to clearly come to grips with what you are being asked. No one will judge you or condemn you for not being as comfortable / broad-minded as others think that you ought to be. It’s your life and only you can make those sexual and emotional decisions.

But perhaps before that awkward moment arises or there is a need for an in-bed discussion to take place, the married man needs to look inside himself and discover just what is it that is stopping him taking advantage of having a wider sexual experience.

In my opinion anal sex, either not at all - or as a decisive singular top or bottom, carries with it emotional baggage. Let’s consider some thoughts:

-       It is too big a step up from masturbation or oral

-       In his mind this could now mean that he could be called gay or queer, a label he can’t come to grips with

-       He’s justified to himself that as along as there is no anal sex with him as a top, then he hasn’t committed adultery. Being a ‘bottom only’ is just being taken advantage of without commitment – after all it’s not him who is actively pursuing predatory sex, he’s just the non-objecting receptive bottom

-       He knows that there’s more chance of catching an infection if he tops, especially without using a condom - and an STI would be too difficult to explain back home. (Many gay men assume that married guys have little sexual activity and therefore they are 'safer' to bareback with then would be the situation with his other partners who are more active on the gay scene)

-       He tried it once with a guy and it didn’t gave him the satisfaction that he expected

-       Masturbation is an art form that he has perfected over a lifetime. It’s easy, satisfying, available anywhere, anytime. He’s satisfied with a hand ejaculating him whether that be his own or that of a friend. It doesn’t cause any emotional distress about upsetting the status quo of the marital home. Much the same with oral sex, either giving or receiving – “it’s just what men do for a bit of fun and light relief”

-       He could have trouble looking his wife in the eye next time they are having sex - and he doesn’t want that guilt

-       His fantasy sex world is far ahead of his actual experience. Fantasy lets him be anywhere, with anyone and do whatever either party desires. When reality knocks and he’s offered the real experience then this shatters the safety bubble his mind has created. Cold, stark reality is a far more difficult aspect of sexual life than that offered by the warmth and safety of dreams

-       He’s heard all the stories about pain, of a big cock tearing open a tight anus, of torn foreskins as a man tries to enter too forcefully, of catching aids or other diseases, of losing control over your actions, of getting creamed with cum, etc etc. Is it all too much of a risk just for a few minutes of pleasure, he asks himself

-       I just want low-key sexual play where for once in my adult life I’m pursued as a bottom, I’m used as a bottom and I don’t have to be active in any way. I love that relaxed satisfaction. Being a top is too exhausting and too much like the sex I am limited to at home

-       Does this man asking for more sex really have my interests at heart? Can I trust him to be considerate in our love-making, take time to guide me, know when to stop when I’ve reached my limits

-       Quite simply, I don’t need anal sex in order to ejaculate and have a good time.

All photos courtesy Tumblr
As you venture more and more out in to the world of men-on-men sex, you need to scrutinise what your sexual reality is all about. What do you think would satisfy you sexually and is this the same level of sexual activity that would make you physically and emotionally comfortable with other men. When a hot looking experienced gay guy begins to chase you will he be satisfied with the limits you have put on yourself? 

Perhaps some honest discussion and some introspective thought before meeting up will make it a better experience for you both. At least there shouldn’t be unexpected surprises!






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