Monday, 17 August 2015

Removing Your Internet Sexual Footprint After Your Death



You’ve had a fun but hidden life exploring your sexuality all over the internet including many areas that you’d rather not let anyone else know about. But what happens when you die? Your sexual internet footprint will not automatically die with you.

Last month I met from a gay dating site a very interesting man. At our meeting he admitted to being divorced and having a non-sexual lady friend who he shared cultural and social times with. He lived alone and therefore could indulge in his recently discovered interest in having sex with men. No one in his large family or among his conservative male friends knew of his private gay life.

Eleven days later he was dead.

His profile still looks at me each time I visit the dating site. But I have no means and no authority to try to get the profile removed. He hadn’t paid money so I suspect it will stay on the site until it might trip an automated bit of software that will eventually remove it through extended inactivity.

My cell phone contains messages he sent me. Will I receive a call from a curious family member who is going through his address book and wondering who all these mysterious ‘friends’ are?

I have a friend who was on Facebook. He has been dead for more than three years, yet he still receives birthday wishes from people who don’t know the situation. To date I have not been able to get it removed.

These are just two examples of hidden second lives that we all live and are totally unknown to our loved ones.

This new phenomena needs some addressing for when we die:

When we make our will is the administrator/executor we choose close enough to us that he/she knows of our second lifestyle?

Would they plausibly know where your passwords to this secret life are kept? Where the sex sites are that you belong to and visit?

Would they be broad-minded enough to cope with the images and messages that they could be confronted with?

And will they keep this aspect of your life away from other family members? Disclosure of your clandestine and possibly morally objectionable sexual pursuits could be difficult for loved ones to confront or accept.

Creating a Sexual Executor Document

I believe that when making our last will and testament we need to also do a second one – our sexual footprint will. This would have no legal status, but it would put in to the hands of a trusted loved one or friend, all the knowledge needed to quietly and efficiently erase as much of your internet sexual life as possible. As an addendum to your will document held by your attorney at his office, perhaps a sealed envelope could be attached to be given to a particular person upon your death. (By keeping it at the legal office this means that no one else need know anything about the envelope existing and it can be quietly passed on to the relevant “sexual executor” without the knowledge of your family or colleagues. (I know from personal knowledge that such additional instructions work well for other aspects of the deceased, from contact lists for funeral invitations, details about private bank box contents, to having debts paid out.)

Within the envelope it should contain as much information as possible, including:
your usual passwords,
your favourite sex sites,
your profile name(s),
the email address you use for your ‘private’ life (and it’s password)
and anything else that’s relevant including any code you use to disguise your activities in your desk address book

All photos courtesy Tumblr
As updating this envelope even annually might be difficult, make sure that your “sex executor” knows where to look in your home, your office, your new computer or elsewhere for your latest foraging.

This system is perhaps not ideal but it will be a great start to removing your sexual footprint once and for all. If you have a male friend who understands the system and who you totally trust, talk to him about leaving such an envelope with him either at the attorney’s, somewhere safe or indeed in his hands at his home. If he’s unknown to your family that could be helpful, and it means that you can update the envelope more frequently without your attorney or your family becoming the least bit curious about why Dad would have a sealed envelope to be given to someone unknown to them.

This envelope idea can also be used for your ‘straight’ life, as passwords to your bank accounts, community clubs, school reunion groups etc need to be easily found by the family after your death.

The cyber world is not forgiving. Whatever you’ve been doing on the internet can be traced, it seemingly stays there forever and when unexpectedly found, can profoundly change how you are remembered.

Take a moment to consider the implications of your sexual footprint if you were plucked from this life today. A little forward planning might be in order.





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