You're
married, you’ve just had a same-sex experience with a guy and now you’re
feeling very guilty over it. You’re worried that you may have gone too far in
your investigation of male-to-male sexual activity. And what if you’re no
longer “clean” as far as your health is concerned. Heaven forbid that you now
have something that could be transferred to your wife or partner. And what of
breaking that so-called ultimate taboo - of breaking your marriage vows?
In helping
to understand how you reached this moment, let’s briefly discuss a scenario
that might be similar to yours, or at least will shine some light onto why
you’re perhaps having these guilty thoughts.
First
Contact – You’re on one of the internet dating sites. Your profile is somewhat
anonymous but you have a few thoughts based on all the porn videos you’ve
watched that could be of interest to do with the right man. Years of cohabiting
tells you that these are things that you would not dare to ask your
wife/partner to participate in. They aren’t extreme sexual play but they do
cross a moral barrier (water sports, anal penetration, some role play, mild
bondage, that sort of thing). Then came the message from a gay guy who said
that you checked all the boxes of what he was looking for. You also agreed that
it sounded like an ideal match. You made a date and time for a few days ahead,
over at his place.
Increased
Contact – “Tell me exactly what you like to do” began the first email/message.
You responded, and with the meeting not for several days, you both increased
the number of messages, each becoming a bit more explicit and enthusiastic
about the play boundaries. It’s a liberated feeling writing those messages from your
safe world, and so you express some of your deeper thoughts about what could be
interesting to try. You each become hornier by the message and can’t wait to
share fun sexual times with this rare kindred-spirit. The day can’t arrive soon
enough.
The Day
Before – But suddenly reality dawns on you that tomorrow you’re actually meeting
him. Do you really want to try all those things you discussed or do you just
want some naked body contact and a chance to blow your load? Do you really want
to be defenceless and tied up in a stranger’s house? Do you really want a huge
cock penetrating your near virgin arse?
So, you begin to reverse some of your now extreme sounding sexual
deviations. “Please, don’t leave any marks when you spank me.” “On this first
visit can we just do....” You hope that he’ll take notice of your new requests.
You even think that you should cancel the date, but hey, how long have you waited
for a genuine sounding guy to answer your profile advert. You’re not going to
give up this amazing opportunity.
The Date – You
arrive right on the scheduled time. You’ve douched as best you could. You’re
showered. You ring the doorbell. He answers, and he’s as genuine and nice as
you imagined him to be. You relax, you chat, you kiss and hug and have another
shower with him. You feel totally at home with this gay man. He treats you with
respect – and you feel safe. For once in your recent life, you know that he is
a like-minded man, and that any sexual activity that is safe is possible. And
so, you do role play as Sergeant and Private, you do allow him to tie your
hands behind you and to blindfold you, you do enjoy the heightened tactile play
that follows (you may add your own scenario at this point). You are now in a
world of your own. “Oh, why oh, why can’t sex be like this every time” you tell
yourself as you sink even deeper into the ecstatic feelings, leaving all sense
of the real world behind you.
When the
ties are loosened, you have penetrative sex in the ways that both of you had
expressed in the messages. You shoot your load and you slump back onto the bed
in exhausted bliss. He was everything that deep inside you hoped he would be.
“Gay sex is just THE best” you continue to tell yourself.
Leaving His
House – It’s only when the brief post-coital chat is over that you start to
come back to reality, back from the Sexual Darkside, the forbidden gay territory.
You now have a shower ALONE. The chat over a drink is awkward, as inevitably
the conversation includes intrusive questions like “do you still have sex with
your wife? Any kids? Where do you live?
What do you work at?” You become defensive as he’s probing YOUR life. On the
door-step you both agree it was fun and that “we must do this again”.
But now you
are starting to feel the burden of living in two worlds descending on you. You
get back in the car to drive home but for a few moments you sit there
contemplating “what if he wasn’t as clean as he looked and I’ve got a sexually
transmitted disease? What if the wife sees my red buttocks and asks awkward
questions? What about crabs? What if I have to perform again tonight with the
wife? Can I look her straight in the eye knowing that I’ve been intimate with a
man? Confusion begins to reign.
Your Over Reaction
– At home you shower again. You totally change your clothes. You avoid
conversation with your partner. By later that evening you need to calm your
mind. You decide the best solution is to cut off all immediate contact with the
man you’ve just played with, so you send him a “thank you – but no further
contact” message. In your mind that closes that man’s life safely away from
yours, the two worlds never to collide again. Right now, you feel that you need
to get all the elements that comprise the happiest aspects of your family life
back in to perspective. That’s the world you know best and where you seem to be
happiest in – most of the time.
Why Is This
Happening - But what underlines all of this mind confusion, your guilt, is the
fact that YOU are ALONE. You’re in a place equivalent to no-man’s land. You
have no-one with which to share the bewildering pendulum of experiences that
happened to you today. You feel that being a straight man you can’t talk to the
gay guy because he wouldn’t understand, and anyway, the sex is over and he’s
already probably moved on to his next conquest. You have no intimate friend,
male or female, who knows anything about you secret sex life nor any friend
that would be totally trustworthy with your explosive revelations. And you certainly
feel, indeed know, that you can’t talk to your partner as that could bring the
whole safe family structure tumbling down and you wouldn’t then even have that
to rely on.
A Time of
Growth - You are now in a place where you must begin to take greater responsibility for
your life and your individual happiness. This place is now a mixture of reality
and dreams. Of everyday comfort vs breaking out and growing new experiences. Of
making a new life that includes new sexual experiences, new friends, a new way
of looking at the world. Of setting up balances that allow all the family life
you’re used to with perhaps a little safe sexual fun on the side. Of asking the
hard question about the health of your marriage and family life. Of questioning
why you have sexual needs that involve other men, and really, how important are
they in the overall scheme of things.
Maybe, it
is time to acknowledge that you’ve had a wonderful gay experience or three, but
really it’s not for you. Quietly returning to the family fold free of further
guilt may be just the right answer for you. Your curiosity has been quenched,
at least for the time being.
 | |
| All photos courtesy of Tumblr |
Time To Reassess - Rather than
be overwhelmed by guilt, take this as a unique opportunity to reassess what’s
valuable in your life, what is missing from it and seek new ways to add value
and passion and comfort to it. You are not the first man to face answering the
question of “what the f**k was I thinking” when he strayed from the marital
bed.
Be totally
honest with yourself when you answer the questions of what you ACTUALLY do
want. And if male/male sexual contact has been something in your head for most
of your life then you need to begin to acknowledge that it is part of your
individuality, something so instinctual that given an opportunity, it could
even re-define you.
How honestly
you answer that inner sexual calling will be to a large degree, the measure of
your future happiness. So, use this time of emotional upheaval to privately re-assess
your priorities. Does lack of sex at home give you license to seek it
elsewhere? Is the sex offered on the other side simply tantalising you with its
curiosity? Are you naturally bisexual? Why is sex seemingly more important than
a stable happy family life? What sexual scenario would give you peace of mind?
Is sexual frustration overwhelming all of the good aspects of your current
life?
Once you
start taking action towards that scenario that you believe will make you happy,
so your guilt will dissipate.
Disclaimer: All advice and information given here on this blog is general in nature and non-specific to any individual, couple or group. You are encouraged to seek your own independent professional medical, psychological and counselling advice. No endorsement of unlawful actions is intended or implied. No photo used implies any endorsement of this blog in any way.
e-book and paperback at Amazon.com or
For a plain unidentifiable eBook cover edition go to: http://www.amazon.com/Versatile-Husband-Plain-Cover-ebook/dp/B009V5AXEI
"A straightforward, practical guide for men in heterosexual relationships who'd like to explore sex with other men. Frank, honest and understanding."Kirkus Reviews
Disclaimer: All advice and information given here on this blog is general in nature and non-specific to any individual, couple or group. You are encouraged to seek your own independent professional medical, psychological and counselling advice. No endorsement of unlawful actions is intended or implied. No photo used implies any endorsement of this blog in any way.
THE VERSATILE HUSBAND: Live Your Passion
My book briefly examines why as sexually frustrated men we feel the way we do and what can be done to improve the situation. Particularly useful for any married man who needs more detail before deciding whether or not to sexually play with men. If and when you decide to seek and enjoy sex with other like-minded men the book also covers everything you will want to know about finding them, safely playing with them and having more sexual enjoyment than you might have imagined.
My book briefly examines why as sexually frustrated men we feel the way we do and what can be done to improve the situation. Particularly useful for any married man who needs more detail before deciding whether or not to sexually play with men. If and when you decide to seek and enjoy sex with other like-minded men the book also covers everything you will want to know about finding them, safely playing with them and having more sexual enjoyment than you might have imagined.
e-book and paperback at Amazon.com or
paperback only at your favourite online or local bookstore.
For a plain unidentifiable eBook cover edition go to: http://www.amazon.com/Versatile-Husband-Plain-Cover-ebook/dp/B009V5AXEI
"A straightforward, practical guide for men in heterosexual relationships who'd like to explore sex with other men. Frank, honest and understanding."Kirkus Reviews
