Embracing The Guilt From Having Had Gay Sex

You're married, you’ve just had a same-sex experience with a guy and now you’re feeling very guilty over it. You’re worried that you may have gone too far in your investigation of male-to-male sexual activity. And what if you’re no longer “clean” as far as your health is concerned. Heaven forbid that you now have something that could be transferred to your wife or partner. And what of breaking that so-called ultimate taboo - of breaking your marriage vows?

In helping to understand how you reached this moment, let’s briefly discuss a scenario that might be similar to yours, or at least will shine some light onto why you’re perhaps having these guilty thoughts.

First Contact – You’re on one of the internet dating sites. Your profile is somewhat anonymous but you have a few thoughts based on all the porn videos you’ve watched that could be of interest to do with the right man. Years of cohabiting tells you that these are things that you would not dare to ask your wife/partner to participate in. They aren’t extreme sexual play but they do cross a moral barrier (water sports, anal penetration, some role play, mild bondage, that sort of thing). Then came the message from a gay guy who said that you checked all the boxes of what he was looking for. You also agreed that it sounded like an ideal match. You made a date and time for a few days ahead, over at his place.

Increased Contact – “Tell me exactly what you like to do” began the first email/message. You responded, and with the meeting not for several days, you both increased the number of messages, each becoming a bit more explicit and enthusiastic about the play boundaries. It’s a liberated feeling writing those messages from your safe world, and so you express some of your deeper thoughts about what could be interesting to try. You each become hornier by the message and can’t wait to share fun sexual times with this rare kindred-spirit. The day can’t arrive soon enough.

The Day Before – But suddenly reality dawns on you that tomorrow you’re actually meeting him. Do you really want to try all those things you discussed or do you just want some naked body contact and a chance to blow your load? Do you really want to be defenceless and tied up in a stranger’s house? Do you really want a huge cock penetrating your near virgin arse?  So, you begin to reverse some of your now extreme sounding sexual deviations. “Please, don’t leave any marks when you spank me.” “On this first visit can we just do....” You hope that he’ll take notice of your new requests. You even think that you should cancel the date, but hey, how long have you waited for a genuine sounding guy to answer your profile advert. You’re not going to give up this amazing opportunity.

The Date – You arrive right on the scheduled time. You’ve douched as best you could. You’re showered. You ring the doorbell. He answers, and he’s as genuine and nice as you imagined him to be. You relax, you chat, you kiss and hug and have another shower with him. You feel totally at home with this gay man. He treats you with respect – and you feel safe. For once in your recent life, you know that he is a like-minded man, and that any sexual activity that is safe is possible. And so, you do role play as Sergeant and Private, you do allow him to tie your hands behind you and to blindfold you, you do enjoy the heightened tactile play that follows (you may add your own scenario at this point). You are now in a world of your own. “Oh, why oh, why can’t sex be like this every time” you tell yourself as you sink even deeper into the ecstatic feelings, leaving all sense of the real world behind you.

When the ties are loosened, you have penetrative sex in the ways that both of you had expressed in the messages. You shoot your load and you slump back onto the bed in exhausted bliss. He was everything that deep inside you hoped he would be. “Gay sex is just THE best” you continue to tell yourself.

Leaving His House – It’s only when the brief post-coital chat is over that you start to come back to reality, back from the Sexual Darkside, the forbidden gay territory. You now have a shower ALONE. The chat over a drink is awkward, as inevitably the conversation includes intrusive questions like “do you still have sex with your wife?  Any kids? Where do you live? What do you work at?” You become defensive as he’s probing YOUR life. On the door-step you both agree it was fun and that “we must do this again”.

But now you are starting to feel the burden of living in two worlds descending on you. You get back in the car to drive home but for a few moments you sit there contemplating “what if he wasn’t as clean as he looked and I’ve got a sexually transmitted disease? What if the wife sees my red buttocks and asks awkward questions? What about crabs? What if I have to perform again tonight with the wife? Can I look her straight in the eye knowing that I’ve been intimate with a man? Confusion begins to reign.

Your Over Reaction – At home you shower again. You totally change your clothes. You avoid conversation with your partner. By later that evening you need to calm your mind. You decide the best solution is to cut off all immediate contact with the man you’ve just played with, so you send him a “thank you – but no further contact” message. In your mind that closes that man’s life safely away from yours, the two worlds never to collide again. Right now, you feel that you need to get all the elements that comprise the happiest aspects of your family life back in to perspective. That’s the world you know best and where you seem to be happiest in – most of the time.

Why Is This Happening - But what underlines all of this mind confusion, your guilt, is the fact that YOU are ALONE. You’re in a place equivalent to no-man’s land. You have no-one with which to share the bewildering pendulum of experiences that happened to you today. You feel that being a straight man you can’t talk to the gay guy because he wouldn’t understand, and anyway, the sex is over and he’s already probably moved on to his next conquest. You have no intimate friend, male or female, who knows anything about you secret sex life nor any friend that would be totally trustworthy with your explosive revelations. And you certainly feel, indeed know, that you can’t talk to your partner as that could bring the whole safe family structure tumbling down and you wouldn’t then even have that to rely on.

A Time of Growth - You are now in a place where you must begin to take greater responsibility for your life and your individual happiness. This place is now a mixture of reality and dreams. Of everyday comfort vs breaking out and growing new experiences. Of making a new life that includes new sexual experiences, new friends, a new way of looking at the world. Of setting up balances that allow all the family life you’re used to with perhaps a little safe sexual fun on the side. Of asking the hard question about the health of your marriage and family life. Of questioning why you have sexual needs that involve other men, and really, how important are they in the overall scheme of things.

Maybe, it is time to acknowledge that you’ve had a wonderful gay experience or three, but really it’s not for you. Quietly returning to the family fold free of further guilt may be just the right answer for you. Your curiosity has been quenched, at least for the time being.

All photos courtesy of Tumblr 

Time To Reassess - Rather than be overwhelmed by guilt, take this as a unique opportunity to reassess what’s valuable in your life, what is missing from it and seek new ways to add value and passion and comfort to it. You are not the first man to face answering the question of “what the f**k was I thinking” when he strayed from the marital bed.

Be totally honest with yourself when you answer the questions of what you ACTUALLY do want. And if male/male sexual contact has been something in your head for most of your life then you need to begin to acknowledge that it is part of your individuality, something so instinctual that given an opportunity, it could even re-define you.

How honestly you answer that inner sexual calling will be to a large degree, the measure of your future happiness. So, use this time of emotional upheaval to privately re-assess your priorities. Does lack of sex at home give you license to seek it elsewhere? Is the sex offered on the other side simply tantalising you with its curiosity? Are you naturally bisexual? Why is sex seemingly more important than a stable happy family life? What sexual scenario would give you peace of mind? Is sexual frustration overwhelming all of the good aspects of your current life?

Once you start taking action towards that scenario that you believe will make you happy, so your guilt will dissipate. 

Disclaimer: All advice and information given here on this blog is general in nature and non-specific to any individual, couple or group. You are encouraged to seek your own independent professional medical, psychological and counselling advice. No endorsement of unlawful actions is intended or implied. No photo used implies any endorsement of this blog in any way. 

THE VERSATILE HUSBAND: Live Your Passion  
My book briefly examines why as sexually frustrated men we feel the way we do and what can be done to improve the situation. Particularly useful for any married man who needs more detail  before deciding whether or not to sexually play with men. If and when you decide to seek and enjoy sex with other like-minded men the book also covers everything you will want to know about finding them, safely playing with them and having more sexual enjoyment than you might have imagined.

e-book and paperback at Amazon.com or

paperback only at your favourite online or local bookstore.

http://www.amazon.com/Versatile-Husband-Peter-Benn/dp/1481099671

For a plain unidentifiable eBook cover edition go to: http://www.amazon.com/Versatile-Husband-Plain-Cover-ebook/dp/B009V5AXEI

"A straightforward, practical guide for men in heterosexual relationships who'd like to explore sex with other men. Frank, honest and understanding."Kirkus Reviews