Bathhouse or Bedroom? Different Sexual Expectations

Does the location where you have sex make a difference as to how sex is transacted? Yes, it does!

I live in the city and I recently had my first Grindr hookup – with a 40-year-old rural man who has a strong interest in older mature-age men. I easily ticked that box for him. Then began a long series of text messages and photos.

HIM: We talked about the lack of available men in his small rural community. His photos emphasized the importance of his gym work in order to impress his potential men. He explained that he had an older male partner (late ‘60s) with whom he would come to the city in order to visit the gay sauna/bathhouse together. They would play separately.

ME: I talked about the joys of being versatile (he was a bottom), of long sensual tactile play with lots of kissing and touch, and the value of some conversation along the way.

It, therefore, looked like we had a lot to offer the other – and that agreement seemed mutual. We decided on a time to meet at the bathhouse. The morning of the meet-up the texts began early and continued every hour or so, each one hyping up the sexual tension a notch or two at a time. As an experienced older gay man this was taken by me as merely the actions of a sexually frustrated young man eager to have a guaranteed sexual experience with the older man he desired.

At the appointed time, we met with only a towel wrapped around each of us. There was a nice smile, but no touching of me from him. That I considered unusual, but perhaps he was just shy. I stroked his smooth gym-fit body as a sign that I was interested. And off to a private cubicle, we went.

All photos courtesy Tumblr

We kissed passionately. He lay on his back and seemed to enjoy not only my kissing of him all over, my lips on his cock but also my hands pleasuring him. He attacked my erection with his somewhat vigorous and rough hand. With the inexperienced enthusiasm of youth, he obviously wanted me inside him as quickly as possible. We’d barely begun our encounter so I deflected his hand and concentrated on the kissing, as after all, we had the whole afternoon ahead of us to play. As he tried to relax, his cock deflated – as happens when being sensually administered to. Within seconds of realizing that his cock had gone limp, he uttered those immortal words,”This is not working for me” – and rose up off the bed and headed to releasing the closed door. I slowed him, wished him well and he disappeared into the crowded gloom not to be seen again that afternoon.

Let’s explore what might have gone wrong...

AGE DIFFERENCES – did he have an “ideal” man in mind and in reality, I didn’t fit that? Was I too unlike my photo? Had he already found another man he was eager to play with? Generally, older men like to take their time “making love” whereas younger ones like to “have sex”.

ETHNIC DIFFERENCES – he was from a Middle Eastern country where MM sex is not approved. Was the cultural difference between how we each approached sex too great - or was there too much guilt?

RURAL vs CITY EXPERIENCES – because of the urgency and limited time constraints of his visit to the city was he overly eager to be topped by as many older men as possible rather than enjoy sensuality?

I suspect none of these were as important as - DIFFERENT EXPECTATIONS...

ME: I was expecting to give him my usual 60 – 90-minute pleasuring session that included kissing, touch, oral and finally the anal. In my mind, there was no hurry. This is my modus operandi with new guys that I meet at my home and it invariably makes both parties very happy.

HIM: He obviously wanted to receive anal sex immediately (within 5 minutes that is). He had the sauna/bathhouse mentality where anonymous penetrative sex happens immediately you’re in a cubicle together. It’s hot, fervent, animalistic – quickly followed by “Thanks. See ya!”

LESSON LEARNED: This coupling was a reminder that it is not just the expectations set up by text and chat before a meeting happens, but it’s the importance of WHERE it happens that is more important. Therefore, don’t expect a long sensual session at a bathhouse. Quick, anonymous blow-and-go is the order of the day even if you have already talked otherwise. If you don’t conform (like I didn’t) then expect a rejection pretty quickly. At the end of the day, the number of additional sexual notches on your figurative gun belt is still more important to most guys than how pleasant a long unexpected sensual session was with an older experienced man.

My best advice: Save the sensuality for home and be the animal predator that you know you can also be, for the bathhouse.

The Versatile Husband’s Guide to Happy Hookups:

Any app like Grindr = hookup NOW! Quick immediate sex.

Bathhouse = hookup NOW!  Quick immediate sex.

Online Dating Site = Expect some sensual lovemaking as well as horny sex. Perhaps even “Let’s do dinner” too!

Disclaimer: All advice and information given here on this blog is general in nature and non-specific to any individual, couple or group. You are encouraged to seek your own independent professional medical, psychological and counselling advice. No endorsement of unlawful actions is intended or implied  

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